Celebrating the New Year

Salutations, 

So, did you have fun celebrating the New Year? Countdown to midnight and all that, yes? 

Good time? 

I hope it was worth being a poser for. What were you, a so-called metalhead, doing celebrating the New Year? Hoping to score some drunken she-maw were you? 

Fuck you.

2012 will almost certainly be a terrible year for Heavy Metal. And you celebrated its arrival, and all that it will bring. Let's look at the damage 2012 has already managed to cause after just 9 days:

 1) Tony Iommi has cancer. 

Maybe I should just stop here. That alone makes 2012 potentially the worst year ever for Heavy Metal. Everything after this is really just a rubbishy side note, but nevertheless:

2)  Iron Maiden have pissed me off.

3) Van Halen will be touring. Given the popularity of neo-Thrash, I wouldn't be surprised if this gave birth to Neo-Glam, or possibly, if we're really unlucky, Glamcore. 

4) A bunch of shit bands will release shit music, further dragging the good name of Heavy Metal through the Mud(core). I've already heard that Killswitch Engage will have a new atrocity out this year…

All in all, it looks like more steaming, hot, fresh turd will be pinched out onto the face of true, righteous Heavy Metal over the course of this year. While Metal Hammer and Kerrang will continue to rave about empty headed, neck tattoed embarrassments, actual decent bands will continue to be completely unheard of. And if that keeps you and your karate kid moshing, fluorescent t-shirts, hair straighteners and gauges away from them, that's fine by me. We really should think of some way to keep all that crap contained in one place, to contain it ... some sort of event that will lure them all, like flies to shit…

Yes, 2012 will be another disastrous year for the greatest musical genre of all time. Possibly the worst yet. But who knows? Maybe this could be the year the -core assault finally loses momentum.
 I can dream, can't I? 

D. 

Guitar Playing: Doing it Right.

Salutations! 


There is no denying that the guitar is the defining instrument of Heavy Metal. There is also no denying that the riffs and solos produced on said instrument are awesome, and, by extension, also define Heavy Metal. There is nothing better than a soaring, blistering solo that dazzles a crowd of adoring fans and leaves little puddles around the feet of any 
females present. A good guitar solo is a glorious thing to behold.

What you're doing right now is beholding.

But of course, the guitar solo is a difficult beast to tame, and a double edged sword. A bad guitar solo is simply nightmarish, as you are about to demonstrate:

There is nothing worse than a guitarist who has forgotten the true purpose of soloing, and it is far from glorious.

Read this next bit very, very carefully and make sure you understand before the next time you reach for your cherry red Squire Stratocaster. 


Guitar solos were not invented for showing off. 


Certainly not so that you could show off. 




Do you genuinely think that your fretwork and shredding is so blisteringly fast that no one will have ever seen anything like it before? Do you seriously think that you're the only person who can sweep pick or tap in the whole world? We've all seen that before, and we're tired of it. Guitar solos were invented to make the song better, and that's what a good one does. What a good one does not do however, is bombard the listener with a random mishmash of high notes played very quickly.


 Playing a guitar solo faster does not by default make it better. 


Playing the guitar very very fast is a technique often used by shitty guitarists to make their playing sound more impressive than it is. 


Exhibit A: 

What the fuck is this? No doubt the appalling quality of his microphone isn't helping (if you want to show off your "wickid skillz" on YouTube, invest in a decent webcam so I don't have to put up with this shit), but that is exactly what I'm talking about. 


You: But he's not playing in a song! He's just entering into Guitar World's "Bet you can't play this" competition. You were complaining about bad guitar playing in songs, so this doesn't count!" 


Silence dog! This video goes to show how deep rooted the idiotic belief that fast=good is in people's minds! Guitar World even have a competition based around it! As for an example of shitty guitar soloing in a song, skip to around 3:21 in this little beauty:

The only notable thing about those solos is that they were played very, very fast. And that was it. If any other thought had gone into them, I couldn't hear it. Their sole purpose was to be fast. Not the beautiful, graceful and above all powerful beast that a guitar solo should be. 

FUCK. 

Bad guitar solos are less like the man-eating, lesser spotted snow leopard, and more like Formula One cars: they're extremely fast, but flimsy and lightweight. And this isn't Lightweight Metal, this is HEAVY METAL. Guitar solos aren't meant to be light, and aren't supposed to be like Formula One cars. You know what else Formula One cars are? Whiny and boring. 

Yawn

There is more to a guitar solo then speed, people. You won't impress anyone who knows their shit, and therefore has an opinion that matters, by trying to play scales really, really fast. If however, you aren't playing guitar solos in order to produce the aural equivalent of a man-eating lesser spotted snow leopard, and are simply trying to "get pussay", then you aren't using your guitar for what it's for, and should burn it, you poseur piece of shit.


D.