Celebrating the New Year

Salutations, 

So, did you have fun celebrating the New Year? Countdown to midnight and all that, yes? 

Good time? 

I hope it was worth being a poser for. What were you, a so-called metalhead, doing celebrating the New Year? Hoping to score some drunken she-maw were you? 

Fuck you.

2012 will almost certainly be a terrible year for Heavy Metal. And you celebrated its arrival, and all that it will bring. Let's look at the damage 2012 has already managed to cause after just 9 days:

 1) Tony Iommi has cancer. 

Maybe I should just stop here. That alone makes 2012 potentially the worst year ever for Heavy Metal. Everything after this is really just a rubbishy side note, but nevertheless:

2)  Iron Maiden have pissed me off.

3) Van Halen will be touring. Given the popularity of neo-Thrash, I wouldn't be surprised if this gave birth to Neo-Glam, or possibly, if we're really unlucky, Glamcore. 

4) A bunch of shit bands will release shit music, further dragging the good name of Heavy Metal through the Mud(core). I've already heard that Killswitch Engage will have a new atrocity out this year…

All in all, it looks like more steaming, hot, fresh turd will be pinched out onto the face of true, righteous Heavy Metal over the course of this year. While Metal Hammer and Kerrang will continue to rave about empty headed, neck tattoed embarrassments, actual decent bands will continue to be completely unheard of. And if that keeps you and your karate kid moshing, fluorescent t-shirts, hair straighteners and gauges away from them, that's fine by me. We really should think of some way to keep all that crap contained in one place, to contain it ... some sort of event that will lure them all, like flies to shit…

Yes, 2012 will be another disastrous year for the greatest musical genre of all time. Possibly the worst yet. But who knows? Maybe this could be the year the -core assault finally loses momentum.
 I can dream, can't I? 

D. 

Iron Maiden Fuck Everyone Off

Greetings Underlings, 


It is not often, or indeed ever, that I get angry with Iron Maiden. They continue to put on fantastic shows even at their age, and release material that is reckoned by many, myself included, to be as good as if not superior to, their "old stuff". Needless to say, compared with most bands their age, they are doing pretty damn well. They have managed to both achieve success and (mostly) maintain their integrity over the course of a long and illustrious career and are one of the very few bands to have progressed their sound without alienating the old fans. In short, they are the most successful heavy metal band in the world.


You: But Metallica have sold more albums! So Metallica are more successful!


Yes Metallica have sold more albums (mostly to fuckwits like you), but let me ask you this: Do Metallica have their own fucking plane?!  Exactly. Now shut up. Metallica's music is shit anyway.


But Maiden are not without their flaws. Their fans have put up with infrequent new albums, releases that are identical (looking at you Flight 666 and Somewhere Back in Time), bullshit "Best Of" albums (of which there are at least 5 now), and hearing the same old songs from their 80s era, while other, better songs from the same era haven't been played since 1987. There are nine (9) versions of Run to the Hills in my music library, and I don't even have all the official ones. How many live versions of Infinite Dreams do I have? 1. And it's not even from an official release. How many live versions of Caught Somewhere in Time do I have? 1. And it's a bootleg. There is no official (and therefore decent quality) live recording of Caught Somewhere in Time, a song which features one of Adrian Smith's best solos ever. There are also no official live versions of Alexander The Great, Stranger in A Strange Land, The Prophecy or Still Life. These are just a few of the songs that the band don't play live but should. Especially Infinite Dreams. Instead we get Run to the Hills, 2 Minutes to Midnight and The Trooper. Over and over again. Unless you live in Ireland, in which case they don't dare play The Trooper in Dublin after what happened last time (a riot broke out), and they aren't even allowed to play it in Belfast. Something to do with waving a Union Flag on the stage, i.e. bullshit. 


But this rant is a very familiar one for Maiden fans, and it's all been said before, and we all put up with it. I have quite happily put up with it all, because I am grateful that Maiden are still going, and regardless of what they play live, it is always great (even if it could be better, but hey, everything could be better). But then somebody decided to take the piss. 


Yesterday, a banner appeared on the Iron Maiden website, proclaiming: "something of primal interest to all maiden fans. Monday 2nd January, 9pm GMT". I went nuts. In the past, the only things that have been given so much buildup have been tour dates or new album details, and so, like every other Iron Maiden fan, I assumed that this was something similar. "Could it be a tour celebrating the 30th anniversary of the release of Number of the Beast?!" I feverishly thought. "Or better yet, the long awaited release of Maiden England on DVD with a supporting tour?!" 
For half an hour before the announcement, I was sat in front of my screen, quivering with anticipation, my mind reeling with the endless possibilities. I was on the verge of cancelling  summer holiday plans for fear of missing the UK dates of whatever tour was about to be announced.  


To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. 

That's it. Adrian Smith's side project. The reasoning behind the use of the phrase "PRIMAL interest" suddenly became horribly clear...


A side project was ascribed a degree of importance hitherto reserved for tours and albums. I think I would be less angry if a picture of a giant middle finger had appeared. Or Rick Astley. Then again, this amounts to much the same thing: a massive fuck you. A fuck you  so grandiose, immense, and downright obnoxious, that even a fanboy like me is pissed off. The site has been used to promote any number of things totally unrelated to Maiden in the past, from Nicko's restaurant to Lauren Harris' (latest) band, but getting us all excited with that little message was just too damn far.


There better be something absolutely fucking incredible coming to make up for this. 




D.