Iron Maiden Fuck Everyone Off

Greetings Underlings, 


It is not often, or indeed ever, that I get angry with Iron Maiden. They continue to put on fantastic shows even at their age, and release material that is reckoned by many, myself included, to be as good as if not superior to, their "old stuff". Needless to say, compared with most bands their age, they are doing pretty damn well. They have managed to both achieve success and (mostly) maintain their integrity over the course of a long and illustrious career and are one of the very few bands to have progressed their sound without alienating the old fans. In short, they are the most successful heavy metal band in the world.


You: But Metallica have sold more albums! So Metallica are more successful!


Yes Metallica have sold more albums (mostly to fuckwits like you), but let me ask you this: Do Metallica have their own fucking plane?!  Exactly. Now shut up. Metallica's music is shit anyway.


But Maiden are not without their flaws. Their fans have put up with infrequent new albums, releases that are identical (looking at you Flight 666 and Somewhere Back in Time), bullshit "Best Of" albums (of which there are at least 5 now), and hearing the same old songs from their 80s era, while other, better songs from the same era haven't been played since 1987. There are nine (9) versions of Run to the Hills in my music library, and I don't even have all the official ones. How many live versions of Infinite Dreams do I have? 1. And it's not even from an official release. How many live versions of Caught Somewhere in Time do I have? 1. And it's a bootleg. There is no official (and therefore decent quality) live recording of Caught Somewhere in Time, a song which features one of Adrian Smith's best solos ever. There are also no official live versions of Alexander The Great, Stranger in A Strange Land, The Prophecy or Still Life. These are just a few of the songs that the band don't play live but should. Especially Infinite Dreams. Instead we get Run to the Hills, 2 Minutes to Midnight and The Trooper. Over and over again. Unless you live in Ireland, in which case they don't dare play The Trooper in Dublin after what happened last time (a riot broke out), and they aren't even allowed to play it in Belfast. Something to do with waving a Union Flag on the stage, i.e. bullshit. 


But this rant is a very familiar one for Maiden fans, and it's all been said before, and we all put up with it. I have quite happily put up with it all, because I am grateful that Maiden are still going, and regardless of what they play live, it is always great (even if it could be better, but hey, everything could be better). But then somebody decided to take the piss. 


Yesterday, a banner appeared on the Iron Maiden website, proclaiming: "something of primal interest to all maiden fans. Monday 2nd January, 9pm GMT". I went nuts. In the past, the only things that have been given so much buildup have been tour dates or new album details, and so, like every other Iron Maiden fan, I assumed that this was something similar. "Could it be a tour celebrating the 30th anniversary of the release of Number of the Beast?!" I feverishly thought. "Or better yet, the long awaited release of Maiden England on DVD with a supporting tour?!" 
For half an hour before the announcement, I was sat in front of my screen, quivering with anticipation, my mind reeling with the endless possibilities. I was on the verge of cancelling  summer holiday plans for fear of missing the UK dates of whatever tour was about to be announced.  


To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement. 

That's it. Adrian Smith's side project. The reasoning behind the use of the phrase "PRIMAL interest" suddenly became horribly clear...


A side project was ascribed a degree of importance hitherto reserved for tours and albums. I think I would be less angry if a picture of a giant middle finger had appeared. Or Rick Astley. Then again, this amounts to much the same thing: a massive fuck you. A fuck you  so grandiose, immense, and downright obnoxious, that even a fanboy like me is pissed off. The site has been used to promote any number of things totally unrelated to Maiden in the past, from Nicko's restaurant to Lauren Harris' (latest) band, but getting us all excited with that little message was just too damn far.


There better be something absolutely fucking incredible coming to make up for this. 




D.