People You Think are Awesome But Aren't, Part 1

Salutations, 

Metalheads are a bunch of sheep. Leaving one herd and joining a smaller one doesn't mean that you stop being a sheep. In fact, not only does the metal scene (or if you want to be that way, "community") possess just as much of a herd mentality as any other, it actually appears to be stronger than many others. 

The most compelling evidence for this is the ridiculous hype machine around various idols or bands in the world of metal. These are the people who noobs like you hear about first when they foray into the world of metal, and as a result they have become untouchable gods who never put a foot wrong and defined entire genres with their work. 

They are nearly all shit and/or wildly overrated. And you will like at least some, if not all of them, and try to argue that they are "gods", "legends" or some other crap. 

Today I began the long and painful process of explaining to idiots like you why they are shit. 

We start with a big one.

Dimebag.

Darrell Abbot, more commonly known as Dimebag Darrell, is most famous for playing guitar for Pantera, and the hype around him is nothing short of ludicrous. Search his name in  Google Images, and I kid you not, there are pictures of him with angel wings flying amongst the clouds. He has practically become a saint. People have even written songs dedicated to him.

To explain why Dimebag is overrated, we sort of have to explain why Pantera are also heavily overrated (and shit). Obviously there is a heavy dose of what I like to call "George Best Syndrome" involved, i.e. Dimebag and by extension Pantera owe a lot of their fame to his untimely and brutal death. This sort of thing happens all the time, and past cases include Kurt Cobain, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, Freddie Mercury, and most recently, Amy Winehouse. These are all highly influential and talented musicians (except the last one), but premature death has turned them into little short of deities, and Dimebag is no exception. Premature and violent death has caused his significance and achievements to be magnified past all proportion. 

You: "Wut are you talking about?!?!?!/!?!11? Dime (R.I.P.) was in Pantera!1! His guitar playing was so original and they where such an awsum and original band who creatid there own sound!!111!" 

Half of you didn't pick up on the misuse of "there" in that, and far more than half were thinking something along those lines. 

Silence fool! Prepare for a revelation. 

Pantera stole their sound from Exhorder. 


Here's a random Exhorder song as an example. 

I didn't give it a quick listen before posting it here to make sure it proved my point, because I don't need to. Hell, I don't even remember what it's called. It contains everything that you think makes Pantera unique and genius. This is Exhorder's second album, Slaughter in the Vatican, released in 1992, the same year as Vulgar Display of Power. In 1990, they released their debut, The Law,  the same year Pantera released Cowboys From Hell, and guess what, they sound extremely similar. There was nothing unique about Pantera's "post-thrash groove metal" sound. It was a sound which Exhorder had nailed on their first album and, might I add, did it better than Pantera. 

Whilst Exhorder had been nailing the "groove metal" sound from album one, how long did it take Pantera to get there? 

Only six years and four albums of GLAM. 

Pantera circa 1988,  an original and free-thinking band who cared nothing for trends.

They looked and sounded just like every other shitty american glam band from that period. 
Here they are again just two years later:

See that shirt Anselmo's wearing? Yes, that's an Exhorder shirt. I wonder who Pantera were listening to at this time…? 


It's worth noting that this was the year that Cowboys was released, showcasing Anselmo's dramatic shift in vocal stlye…to one identical to that of Exhorder vocalist Kyle Thomas. 




D. 

Good Evening Children,


Seasons Greetings! Christmas is almost upon us, like it or not! Die hard atheists are doing their best to piss off Christians and ruin everyone's fun. If you are a real atheist, you will not be celebrating Christmas at all, and will donate any presents you receive to a charity (but probably not Christian Aid). Otherwise you're having your cake and eating it. And this isn't cake season. It's turkey season! Unless you're in Eastern Europe, in which case it's duck. Get your shit together, fucktard. 


Now, next thing. I owe my readers, such as they are, a present. So i thought I'd share a little festive spirit with you all! 

Wasn't that lovely! But, since I am most generous and benevolent, I bestow upon you not one, but TWO (2) gifts of yuletide cheer! Christmas Present No.2: 

And there you go, two things that have just made your Christmas much, MUCH, more metal. For so long, the two have been portrayed as mutually exclusive (that means you can have one but not both, you child), but now, thanks to my wisdom, you can have BOTH! Isn't that just so much better? 

Shut up you. Get back to reading about Nietzsche on Wikipedia and calling yourself a misanthrope. 

Merry Christmas! 

D.

Band of the Month: Ofryskje

December's band of the month is here for all the wrong reasons. Well, it is Winter so it was always going to be a Black Metal band, but it is there that my positivity in this post ends.

I first discovered "Ofryskje", via the Related Videos section on Youtube, which must be how most people find about "underground" bands such as this. It was one of those videos which just has the song playing and a picture to look at. Rarely is the picture more entertaining than the song, but this was one of those times. 


Gaze upon the mighty Ofryskje!1!!

Kvlt!

Ofryskje appears to consist of one fat man with no nose and admirable collection of plastic spikes. Well, perhaps I exaggerate. Those might well be genuine Chinese steel studs on his arm-guards, and the lack of nose could easily be explained by the lighting (of his mum's basement). However, there is no getting past the irrefutable fact that he is holding a pair of garden forks crossed in front of him like swords. No doubt these were stolen from his dad's  shed five minutes prior to the taking of the above photo.
But it would be unfair of me to form my entire opinion of the band based on one (shit) photo, and so, scholar that I am, I went in search of more information and perhaps slightly less embarrassing photos of Ofryskje. First things first of course, let's hear some of their music, and what better place to start than the video where I found the above photo:

 It's like a caricature of everything distinctive about Black Metal. I shall discuss it no further.


In search of further information on these clowns, I sought out my contacts within the various underground scenes of Europe, since many of them specialise in this field. All were as baffled and I and could tell me nothing. Wearily, I turned to the one place where I knew I would find answers. A place run by clowns, for clowns. A place where those who know shit all about music come together to share their collective ignorance, in all its unfiltered glory. 


The metal-archives. 


Noobs such as yourself are undoubtedly familiar, and many of you probably even have an account. There was indeed a page devoted to Ofryskje, from which I learned that they were only active (i.e. stealing gardening utensils from their parents) during the year 1997, have only a demo to their name, and were never signed. Had they waited perhaps 10 years or so, they would have landed a record deal with Nuclear Blast and be headlining major festivals across Europe. 

Of  interest to the learned few amongst you will be the name of drummer, bassist and guitarist of Ofryskje (who presumably also stars in that photo): Ørjan Stedjeberg. 
Among the dozen or so bands which I see he has graced with his presence are the likes of Kvelertak. A picture is provided below, but readers of a nervous disposition should avert their eyes.

It's no good. I can't find the words. Though "disgust" comes pretty close.

With the musical credibility of this group now decidedly in tatters, I went in search of two things which might, aesthetically at least, lift their reputation somewhat: any (ANY) other photo and the meaning of the band's name. Perhaps mercifully, all my efforts at uncovering a different photo proved fruitless. Equally fruitless were attempts at finding out what the hell "Ofryskje" means.  Despite my extensive knowledge of Latin, Greek and a smattering of the old Nordic tongues, I had never seen anything like it. It contains six consonants in a row. Even after perusing the relevant tomes in my personal collection, I could learn nothing. I had but one clue (and a tendentious one at that, gleaned as it was from metal-archives): These clowns were Norwegian. In desperation I turned to Google translate. The "detect-language" function could tell me nothing, other than that the word was apparently Polish. Even when I fed it into the Norwegian translator, it had no answers. This leads me to the conclusion which I had suspected all along: the band's name is just a made-up word. In a way it's sort of apt. 

 We are left with two conflicting hypotheses as to the nature of this band: either an elaborate and brilliantly crafted joke, in which case it is a work of genius, or a colossal and total embarrassment. 


D

Black Sabbath Reunion

Greetings Underlings,


So by now most of you will be aware that the creators of Heavy Metal themselves, Black Sabbath, have reunited (again). No doubt all the posers among you who first heard of Black Sabbath via "School of Rock" are overjoyed at this, and will be digging out the one and only Sabbath album you own (let me hazard a guess here and say that it's "Paranoid", the format is MP3, and you didn't pay for it) and listening to it for the second ever time. I too will be giving "Paranoid" a listen, but on original pressing vinyl. I'll give you some time to go google the last word in that sentence before we move on.


  Yes, even noobs like you who get their news from the likes of Metal Hammer and Kerrang are aware of this event (NB: I don't know if either of those shitrags has actually run an article on this, because I don't read them. I certainly wouldn't put it past clowns of that caliber to leave it out to make room for a review of the new Asking Alexandria album). You might also be aware that they are recording a new album, which in due time you will be downloading from Blogspot and pretending to like.
 But before that is their tour. When I first heard heard of this (months before you and at a secret demo tape trade in Norway), I expected a proper arena tour, where they and their fans could celebrate the reunion and enjoy a full two hour setlist of Sabbath's glorious music. I was expecting the opportunity to go to a Black Sabbath show. How wrong I was. 


It's a festival tour. 

The horror…
If I were to go see Sabbath I would have to go to a festival. To make matters worse, the closest one to me is Download . The problems with festivals, if they are not already known to you, will be discussed in detail some other time, but the most obvious problem is the shit you are subjected to before the band you actually want to see takes the stage. Imagine going to a gig and having to sit through 10 support acts before the band you really paid to see took the stage. 
IT WOULD BE DIRE, and this is essentially what a festival is, but in a muddy field and surrounded by fat drunkards. And it goes on for days. I have no idea what madness possessed Sabbath when they agreed to do Download. They're sharing a bill with Prodigy. The other acts for the festival have yet to be announced, and I have no doubt that this isn't the worst of it. 
Even at this early stage, the tour isn't worth getting excited over, unless you're the sort of person who enjoys the nu-metal crabcore abominations that Download ("brought to you by Pepsi Max, ROCK 'N' ROOOLLL!!!!") hires every year in droves. 


I'll be waiting for the album and subsequent arena tour.






D.